#6 When Did College Turn So Cruel?

Why we need to create strong resilient students at ISHCMC, who know what they want from the world and don't just stand by and accept what they are given and refuse to accept the thinking that this is the way it has always been so that makes it right. 

CreditCreditRobyn Beck/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images


Paul Tough’s important new book on the broken promises of higher education begins with a chapter that he succeeds in making as suspenseful as the prologue of any serial-killer novel and as heart-rending as the climax of an epic romance. It describes a high school senior who is waiting to hear if she has been accepted at Princeton and the University of Pennsylvania.
Her name is Shannen. She’s from a poor family in the Bronx. She has worried so much and worked so hard that she’s underweight and permanently exhausted. And she believes — based on all the conversations around her, all the cultural cues — that her entire future hinges on the answers from these institutions. Her worth as a person hangs in the balance. The thought of college doesn’t flood her with excitement. It reduces her to a sobbing wreck.
I won’t tell you where she ends up, because that’s a spoiler. It’s also not the point of her story or of “The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us,” which will be published next week. Shannen exemplifies how college — once a bright beacon of promise and potent engine of advancement — has turned into something that’s often dysfunctional and downright cruel.

At its best, it remains a ladder to higher earnings, greater economic security and dreams fulfilled. For some lucky students, it’s still an exhilarating and enormously fun rite of passage. And America’s standout schools inspire envy around the world.

But for too many students, college is a letdown, betrayal or taunt. And Tough — whose previous book, “How Children Succeed,” was an influential best seller — explores the various reasons and the toll on young adults at every socioeconomic level, though it’s poor and middle-class strivers who are the most badly served by far.

In an increasingly pessimistic country with fewer manufacturing jobs than decades ago and a widening chasm between the haves and have-nots, college looms enormous in young people’s psyches. But the mechanics of getting to and through it are messier than ever. As Tough writes: “A generation ago, earning a four-year college degree was rightly seen as a way for individuals to move up in the world. Today, for many young Americans, a B.A. is simply an insurance policy against moving down.
“That dark fact has changed the way many of us think about college,” he continues. “It means that when young people make their decisions today about college, they often are motivated less by hope and more by fear.”
He introduces student after student whose route to college and experience there are rocky in the extreme. There’s Shannen, tortured by how much social, cultural and financial importance is attached to a school whose acceptance rate is no higher than 10 percent and whose yardsticks for applicants favor those from backgrounds exponentially more privileged than hers.

There’s Clara, who should be joyful — she has no financial worries and many excellent college options — but is bullied by her parents to bypass Middlebury, which she prefers, for Yale, which is yet more exclusive. Hers isn’t a sob story, I know. But it’s a dispiriting confirmation of the bragging rights and brand obsession that pervert higher education today.
Along with Shannen’s distress, it may also help explain why more and more college students report and seek help for mental health issues. According to the American College Health Association, the percentage of students who profess a degree of anxiety that affects their studies has risen to 27.8 from 18.5 a decade earlier. The percentage who say that about depression has risen to 20.2 from 11.6.

In rural North Carolina, Tough meets and interviews Kim, whose working-class family doesn’t do much to encourage her ambition. She gets into Clemson all on her own. Then she can’t go, not right away, because the math of paying for it just doesn’t work. Her optimism collides with — and is put seriously to the test by — the punishingly high cost of college in a country where, according to the Federal Reserve, there are more than 44 million borrowers who owe $1.6 trillion in student loan debt.

KiKi nets the scholarships and financial aid she needs for Princeton. But she finds herself in such a tiny minority of poor students there that she feels culturally adrift. She’s routinely reminded of and stressed by the social and economic divisions between her and other students. Tough’s reporting makes clear how painfully common this experience is, because despite the most elite schools’ pledges and boasts about diversifying their campuses, they’re still theaters of extraordinary affluence, with screening practices that keep them that way.

All in all the landscape of higher education in America is forbidding to students of limited means. Many of them enter college academically behind their wealthier peers, who got better K-through-12 educations, and schools do too little to help them catch up. Many are lured to for-profit institutions that rake in money while failing to deliver on their promises.
And that has dire consequences not just individually but also nationally. To spur innovation, compete globally and nurture prosperity in a country where factory jobs have ceased to be the answer, we need more, better college graduates. So why aren’t we doing more to create them?

Near the end of his book, Tough recalls the high school movement of the early 20th century, when industrialization called for a more skilled work force and America responded by making sure more of its citizens finished high school. Only 9 percent of them did in 1910. By 1940, that figure was up to 50 percent.

In the current era of technology and automation, college is the new high school, but the share of Americans finishing it hasn’t grown at nearly that kind of pace. According to the Census Bureau, about 35 percent of Americans 25 years or older have earned four-year college degrees or more, in comparison with about 21 percent 30 years ago.

“We’re not responding in the same way,” Tough told me during a recent telephone interview. Instead, he said, the attitude is more along the lines of “you figure it out, you pay for it, and we’re going to make it as hard as possible.”

That needn’t be so. Among his book’s many vital contributions are its portraits of schools and programs that model a better way. He finds hope, for example, at the University of Texas at Austin, where admissions have been rethought, extra guidance has been provided and a few professors in particular have decided to go back to the beginning, more or less, and pour extra energy into actual teaching. For them and their students, college isn’t just a badge that you do or don’t get to display. It’s something infinitely more transformative. It’s an education.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/09/03/opinion/college-graduates.html

#5 Managing our minds

"Learning to manage your mind is crucial to both happiness and success. In this week’s episode of Don’t Tell Me The Score, Simon Mundie sits down with Professor Steve Peters, the English psychiatrist best known for his work in elite sport. He was integral in helping British Cycling become world beaters, has worked with Liverpool FC and the England football team- and has been credited with making arguably the greatest snooker player ever Ronnie O’Sullivan ‘the player he is today’. Steve famously created a model of the mind that was the subject of his first book ‘the Chimp Paradox’. Learning how to manage your inner chimp is the key to peace of mind, and getting ahead in sport and in life. In this episode, Steve explains what the inner chimp is and why we have to nurture it. He also reveals how negative self-beliefs are formed, and what to do about them, as well as the importance of establishing what your values are. He talks about working with kids – the subject of his new book ‘my hidden chimp’- and the importance of basing your self-esteem on the ‘human’ part of your mind. Crucially, he explains why working on your psychological health is one of the most important things you can do."

Although this podcast is 50 minutes long, and you may not be a professional athlete,  I think it has lots of very important information that can help us all better understand ourselves and our children. The first part of the conversation outlines how our minds work and what is the Chimp Paradox. 

In the second half of the conversation, there are very good insights into why we think the way we do, and how we can approach situations differently by controlling our own minds.

Enjoy,
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p072qx55

#4 Brain and Wellbeing: is you family living in the present enough?

During the summer I obtained a copy of Altered Traits; Science Reveals How Meditation Changes Your Mind, Brain and Body. It is certainly a good book for those who want to discover more about the science behind mindfulness and meditation as this review from PenguinRandom House explains:

"In the last twenty years, meditation and mindfulness have gone from being kind of cool to becoming an omnipresent Band-Aid for fixing everything from your weight to your relationship to your achievement level. Unveiling here the kind of cutting-edge research that has made them giants in their fields, Daniel Goleman and Richard Davidson show us the truth about what meditation can really do for us, as well as exactly how to get the most out of it.

Sweeping away common misconceptions and neuromythology to open readers’ eyes to the ways data has been distorted to sell mind-training methods, the authors demonstrate that beyond the pleasant states mental exercises can produce, the real payoffs are the lasting personality traits that can result. But short daily doses will not get us to the highest level of lasting positive change—even if we continue for years—without specific additions. More than sheer hours, we need smart practice, including crucial ingredients such as targeted feedback from a master teacher and a more spacious, less attached view of the self, of which are missing in widespread versions of mind training. The authors also reveal the latest data from Davidson’s own lab that point to a new methodology for developing a broader array of mind-training methods with larger implications for how we can derive the greatest benefits from the practice."

In these two 25 minute talks (not TED) Daniel Goleman and then Richard Davidson talk about their background in studying meditation, levels of study, how we all benefit regardless of our different levels of mindfulness experience, data on student benefits and how it can impact our desire to take action to help others. Goleman summarizes the key content of the 6,000 peer-reviewed research papers that show the changes that mindfulness practice can bring to us.

This article from Tricycle links with the above works and reinforces how consistent practice, as we have been told many times, is needed to develop altered traits. The article identifies traits that may also occur beyond those associated with a well being focussed approach to meditative practice.

The sense of a life mission centered on practice numbers among those elements so often left behind in Asia, but that may matter greatly. Among others that might, in fact, be crucial for cultivating altered traits:

• An ethical stance, a set of moral guidelines that facilitate the inner changes on the path. Many traditions urge such an inner compass, lest any abilities developed be used for personal gain.
• Altruistic intention, where the practitioner invokes the strong motivation to practice for the benefit all others, not just oneself.
• Grounded faith, the mindset that a particular path has value and will lead you to the transformation you seek. Some texts warn against blind faith and urge students to do what we call today “due diligence” in finding a teacher.
• Personalized guidance, a knowledgeable teacher who coaches you on the path, giving you the advice you need to go the next step.
• Devotion, a deep appreciation for all the people, principles, and such that make practice possible. Devotion can also be to the qualities of a divine figure, a teacher, or the teacher’s altered traits or quality of mind.
• Community, a supportive circle of friends on the path who are themselves dedicated to practice.
• A supportive culture, traditional Asian cultures have long recognized the value of people who devote their life to transforming themselves to embody virtues of attention, patience, compassion, and so on. Those who work and have families willingly support those who dedicate themselves to deep practice by giving the money, feeding them, and otherwise making life easier. This is often not the case in modern societies.
• Potential for altered traits, the very idea that these practices can lead to a liberation from our ordinary mind states—not self-improvement—has always framed these practices, fostering respect or reverence for the path and those on it."

#3 Sleep: Are you and your family getting enough sleep?

The second strand from Global Be Well day that I'd like to support your thinking about is sleep. I think that we are far more aware of the importance of sleep and its impact on learning and health than we were ten years ago. Understanding about sleep, its impact on health and wellbeing, doesn't only apply to students, we as adults also need to ensure that we are getting enough sleep so that we are energized and healthy for our lives. So how much sleep do we need?

Below are the recommended sleep times for different age groups as reported in the Independent newspaper article:

Newborns (0 - 3 months): 14-17 hours per day

Infants (4 - 11 months): 12-15 hours per day

Toddlers (1 - 2 years): 11-14 hours per day

Pre-school children (3 - 5 years) 10-13 hours per day

School age children (6 -13 years) 9-11 hours per day

Teenagers (14 - 17 years) 8-10 hours per day

Younger adults (18 - 25 years) 7-9 hours per day

Adults (26 - 64): 7 - 9 hours per day

Older adults (65 years+) 7-8 hours per day



Childmind.org has run a series of article about the importance of sleep and sleep patterns for adolescents. I have picked out two articles that I think are worth you taking a look at. The first is about why teenagers are sleep deprived. Here is the worrying conclusion to this article

"With more than half of American teenagers living with chronic sleep deprivation, parents and teachers tend to overlook the profound effects it has on kids’ physical, mental and behavioral health. The sleep deficit is not in fact, a normal part of being a teenager. It’s part of an invisible epidemic that we need to start addressing."

The second article is about the consequences of not getting enough sleep. The article raises the question that perhaps the teenage angst, stress depression, and anxiety that we are seeing today is not normal and is partially the result of sleep deprivation.

"It’s a radical thought, but what if the behavior we casually dismiss as “teenage angst” — the moodiness, the constant battles, the sleeping all day, the reckless, impulsive and careless behavior — is not in fact a normal part of being a teen? Or at least, not to the degree we assume it is. What if instead we are doing our teenagers a disservice by writing off as “normal” what are in reality the symptoms of chronic and severe sleep deprivation?
We know that the radical changes that occur in adolescence, including tremendous hormonal shifts and significant brain development, affect teenage behavior. But the physical, mental and behavioral consequences of chronic sleep deprivation are profound, too. With studies showing that 60 to 70% of American teens live with a borderline to severe sleep debt, we need to know how going without their recommended (optimal) nine hours a night affects them."

This article, Synchronizing education to adolescent biology: ‘let teens sleep, start school later’ is an academic paper on sleep and its importance and the link between our biorhythms and our ability to focus and concentrate. Below is the abstract to the article that starts with a good 4-minute Vimeo outlining the research findings. 

"Arne Duncan, US Secretary of State for Education, tweeted in 2013: ‘let teens sleep, start school later’. This paper examines early starts and their negative consequences in the light of key research in the last 30 years in sleep medicine and circadian neuroscience. An overview of the circadian timing system in adolescence leading to changes in sleep patterns is given and underpins the conclusion that altering education times can both improve learning and reduce health risks. Further research is considered from education, sleep medicine and neuroscience studies illustrating these improvements. The implementation of later starts is briefly considered in light of other education interventions to improve learning. Finally, the impact of introducing research-based later starts synchronized to adolescent biology is considered in practical and policy terms."

Here at ISHCMC over the past five years, we have done several things to address the importance of student sleep, most importantly moving the school day fro a 7:25 start to an 8:50 start in secondary. But we must not be complacent as there are still questions we have to ask ourselves about the pressures that students feel to work late on homework as they move up through the school, student time management skills and the use of technology and screen time late at night.

# 2 Nutrition: What is the best diet for humans?

For me, nutrition is an interesting strand of the Global Be Well Day programme. It is an area that we all think we know something about, have a perspective on, but in reality, do we know what is right for each of our students? How do we let our own biases affect the way we perceive nutrition or a good or bad diet? 

Hence I thought the best place to start this Food for Thought from is information relating to the question: What is the best diet for humans? The talk below by Eran Segal gives us insight into how what we eat impacts us. Its key finding is that the results show that it isn't just about the food it is about the person eating it. Some of the data that Eran's team discovered goes against what is traditional nutritional advice. We have talked a great deal about the threat of AI and algorithms but in this talk, you will hear about the power of them to help us as individuals shape our diet so it is right for us. This talk links with personalized learning, because as in education Eran's research shows that there is no perfect diet to suit everyone, our response to the food we eat depends on who we are and our microbiomes. 

If we take the information in the talk by Eran Segal it immediately undoes much of the nutritional information that determines how we feed ourselves, our family and students in the school cafeteria. Hence, as personalizing nutrition isn't that easy I just wanted to share some generalized and traditional information that you might find useful when dealing with this topic. The first piece of information comes from the, The Dietary Guidelines that are published every 5 years by the U.S. Departments of Agriculture and Health and Human Services. It is designed for professionals to help all individuals ages 2 years and older consume a healthy diet that meets nutrient needs. The focus of the Dietary Guidelines is on disease prevention and health promotion. Although the Dietary Guidelines are not intended to treat disease, it can be adapted by nutrition and health professionals to describe healthy eating to patients and clients.

Finally, I looked at this site, Health Engine, that provided good nutritional information for school students in Australia. The post that I read ended by saying: 

"Habits developed in the formative years of life have a lasting effect on health. As a result parents need to set positive food culture through meal planning, keeping a variety of foods in supply, and setting a good example. The key points to remember as a parent/caretaker include the following:

• Adequate nutrition will help your child develop maximal intelligence (IQ) and well being.

• The child should be guided to make independent food choices and eat a variety of foods.

• Malnutrition and its consequences will be prevented by eating the right kinds and amounts of foods.

• Encourage your child to practice proper hygiene at all times."

#1 19-20: We Have Ruined Childhood

For youngsters, these days, an hour of free play is like a drop of water in the desert. Of course, they’re miserable.


ImageCreditCreditJoão Fazenda

According to the psychologist Peter Gray, children today are more depressed than they were during the Great Depression and more anxious than they were at the height of the Cold War. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that between 2009 and 2017, rates of depression rose by more than 60 percent among those ages 14 to 17, and 47 percent among those ages 12 to 13. This isn’t just a matter of increased diagnoses. The number of children and teenagers who were seen in emergency rooms with suicidal thoughts or have attempted suicide doubled between 2007 and 2015.
To put it simply, our kids are not O.K.
For a long time, as a mother and as a writer, I searched for a single culprit. Was it the screens? The food? The lack of fresh air and free time, the rise of the overscheduled, overprotected child, the overarching culture of anxiety and fear?
Those things might all contribute. But I’ve come to believe that the problems with children’s mental and emotional health are caused not by any single change in kids’ environment but by a fundamental shift in the way we view children and child-rearing, and the way this shift has transformed our schools, our neighborhoods and our relationships to one another and our communities.

The work of raising children, once seen as socially necessary labor benefiting the common good, is an isolated endeavor for all but the most well-off parents. Parents are entirely on their own when it comes to their offspring’s well-being. Many have had to prioritize physical safety and adult supervision over healthy emotional and social development.

No longer able to rely on communal structures for childcare or allow children time alone, parents who need to work are forced to warehouse their youngsters for long stretches of time. School days are longer and more regimented. Kindergarten, which used to be focused on play, is now an academic training ground for the first grade. Young children are assigned homework even though numerous studies have found it harmful. STEM, standardized testing and active-shooter drills have largely replaced recess, leisurely lunches, art, and music.

The role of school stress in mental distress is backed up by data on the timing of child suicide. “The suicide rate for children is twice what it is for children during months when school is in session than when it’s not in session,” according to Dr. Gray. “That’s true for suicide completion, suicide attempts and suicidal ideation, whereas for adults, it’s higher in the summer.” But the problems with kids’ mental and emotional health are not only caused by what goes on in the classroom. They also reflect what’s happening in our communities. The scarcity of resources of every kind, including but not limited to access to mental health services, health care, affordable housing and higher education, means that many parents are working longer and harder than ever. At the same time that more is demanded of parents, childhood free time and self-directed activities have become taboo.

And so for many children, when the school day is over, it hardly matters; the hours outside school are more like school than ever. Children spend afternoons, weekends and summers in aftercare and camps while their parents work. The areas where children once congregated for unstructured, unsupervised play are now often off-limits. And so those who can afford it drive their children from one structured activity to another. Those who can’t keep them inside. Free play and childhood independence have become relics, insurance risks, at times criminal offenses.

Tali Raviv, the associate director of the Center for Childhood Resilience, says many children today are suffering a social-skills deficit. She told me kids today “have fewer opportunities to practice social-emotional skills, whether it’s because they live in a violent community where they can’t go outside, or whether it’s because there’s overprotection of kids and they don’t get the independence to walk down to the corner store.” They don’t learn “how to start a friendship, how to start a relationship, what to do when someone’s bothering you, how to solve a problem.”

Many parents and pediatricians speculate about the role that screen time and social media might play in this social deficit. But it’s important to acknowledge that simply taking away or limiting screens is not enough. Children turn to screens because opportunities for real-life human interaction have vanished; the public places and spaces where kids used to learn to be people have been decimated or deemed too dangerous for those under 18.


And so for many Americans, the nuclear family has become a lonely institution — and childhood, one long unpaid internship meant to secure a spot in a dwindling middle class.
Something has to change, says Denise Pope, a co-founder of Challenge Success, an organization based in Palo Alto, Calif., that helps schools make research-backed changes to improve children’s mental health. Kids need recess. They need longer lunches. They need free play, family time, meal time. They need less homework, fewer tests, a greater emphasis on social-emotional learning.

Challenge Success also works with parents, encouraging them to get together with their neighbors and organize things like extracurricular-free days when kids can simply play, and teaching them how not to intervene in normal peer conflict so that children can build problem-solving skills themselves. A similar organization, Let Grow, helps schools set up unstructured free play before and after the school day.

Dr. Gray told me it’s no surprise that the program, which he consults for, has been well received. “Children are willing to get up an hour early to have free play, one hour a week,” he said. “It’s like a drop of water if you’ve been in the desert.”

These groups are doing important work, but if that kind of desperation is any indication, we shouldn’t be surprised that so many kids are so unhappy. Investing in a segment of the population means finding a way to make them both safe and free. When it comes to kids, we too often fall short. It’s no wonder so many are succumbing to despair. In many ways, America has given up on childhood, and on children.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/17/opinion/sunday/childhood-suicide-depression-anxiety.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur

At Your Wits' End With A Screen-Obsessed Kid?

This story is based on an episode of NPR's Life Kit.
Geoff and Ellie live in a suburban Chicago neighborhood that looks familiar from movies like Pretty in Pink and Ferris Bueller's Day Off — both filmed in the area.
They have three kids — Nathan, 5, Benji, 11, and Abby, 14 — and they're worried that all three are too into their screens.
An all-too-common experience
Ninety-eight percent of families with children now have smartphones. Young children Nathan's age consume over two hours of media per day on average, tweens take in about six hours, and teens use their devices for nine hours a day, according to the nonprofit Common Sense Media.

Technology overuse ranked as the No. 1 fear of parents of teenagers in a national survey last year.

As we sit in the family room, Ellie tell us how it feels to have a houseful of tiny electronic devices that travel with her kids into their bedrooms, to the table, in the car — everywhere.
"We're the first generation of parents that has to do this monitoring," Ellie says.
Case in point: Nathan, her 5-year-old, is tugging at her sleeve:
"Mommy, Mommy. MOMMY, CAN I PLAY ON YOUR IPAD? CAN I NOW?! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!"

The problem with time-based rules

How did Geoff and Ellie get here? They are not hands-off parents, nor are they lacking in rules. In the kitchen, Ellie has posted color-coded schedules for all three kids, which show when each child is allowed to use screens.
But the kids don't listen. They fight back and complain. And sometimes, with dad working full time, mom part time, and three kids with three different schools and three different schedules, the rules fall through the cracks. "Give them an inch, and they'll take a mile and you're in trouble," Ellie says. "It's exhausting."
At one point, all three kids are sitting in separate corners on the sectional couch in the family room, each on his or her own device. Nathan, the little one, is playing on his iPad, totally hidden under a blanket — head and all. As I talk with Abby, Benji looks up and comments, "This is the most I've heard my sister say in a while."
Ellie puts it this way: "I lost my daughter when I gave her the cell phone."

I've brought an expert to observe and to give Geoff and Ellie some tips. Devorah Heitner has a Ph.D. in media, technology and society from Northwestern University and is author of the book Screenwise.

Heitner says she hears this kind of thing all the time. "I think all parents are like, 'Can you just tell me how many minutes?' Or I'll go speak at schools, and people will say, 'Can you just tell me the device I can use to fix the problem?' "

This misconception comes in part from the media, she says, and from companies — Apple, Google, Amazon — that advertise parental controls and settings as a magic solution.
Heitner and other experts do say to draw a bright line — and be a little authoritarian if you have to — over two times of day: bedtime and mealtime. Research says that more than two hours a day of screen time for young children doubles the risk of childhood obesity. Staring at screens can interfere with sleep, not only because of blue light but because of the emotional excitement of media content and the feeling of urgency about responding to messages.

But in general, Heitner advises that families like this one need to switch from monitoring to mentoring. Policing their kids' device use isn't working. They need to understand why their kids are using devices and what their kids get out of those devices so they can help the kids shift their habits.

The relationship between teens, screens and mental health is complex and multidirectional
The real lightning bolt of wisdom on this comes from the oldest child, Abby.
Abby, who has braces and a short crop of curly hair, is snuggled in a hoodie. She starts our conversation speaking softly, but when asked what she wishes grown-ups knew about the phone, she speaks right up.
"Taking it away won't eliminate problems, 'cause it's not the sole reason that they existed in the first place."
Abby's mom has sent her articles about research linking teen depression and suicide to screen use. A 2017 article in The Atlantic magazine — "Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?" — drew a link between negative trends in teens' mental health and the rise of smartphones and social media.
But Abby has a point: The relationship between screens and kids' mental and emotional health may not be so simple.
"[People always say] the iPhones are the only reason kids are depressed and can't sleep and have all of these problems — not stress from school, from other people, from other things happening," Abby says. "It's never the only reason."
More recently, a paper from Oxford University analyzed the same data featured in that Atlanticarticle — more than 350,000 participants in three huge surveys — and arrived at a different conclusion.

The negative relationship between teens' mental health and technology use is real — but tiny, the researchers found.
"It is extremely, extremely small," says Amy Orben, the lead author of that paper and two other related studies. "A teenager's technology use can only predict less than 1% of variation in well-being. It's so small that it's surpassed by whether a teenager wears glasses to school."

In Orben's view, Abby is dead-on. As Heitner says, "If you hand a happy kid a phone, they're not going to turn into an unhappy, miserable kid."
Heitner does caution, however, that devices can "turn up the volume" on existing issues. Children who have special needs or mental health challenges are also more likely to have problems with screens.

This goes for Benji, the middle child. He has anxiety, ADHD and emotional disabilities, and he is prone to meltdowns. Heitner says, in cases like his, parents should consult a professional who knows the child, be it a psychiatrist or occupational therapist.
But there's another side to that dynamic as well. Some children and teenagers who struggle with mental or emotional health may find that zoning out and playing a game helps them regulate their emotions and avoid meltdowns. For this family, for example, letting Benji bring his iPad allowed him to sit through his big sister's eighth-grade graduation, and that's a trade-off the family is willing to make.

And kids can use smartphones to connect with others and therefore feel better too.
In a national study of teens and young adults, Vicky Rideout, a longtime media-effects researcher, found no significant relationship between the young people's self-reported mental health and how often they used social media.

The young people in the study who were depressed didn't use social media more often — but they did use it differently, sometimes to feel better. "One of the things that teens are doing online is searching for information and tools to help promote their well-being," Rideout says.

This has been Abby's experience. "When you're really upset, you can use your phone to distract yourself, or contact a friend who can help you, or use it to get your mind off the bad thoughts."

How to strike a balance? To start, try mentoring, not monitoring

Heitner's work emphasizes a concept that's also put forth by the American Academy of Pediatrics in its guidelines for parents: media mentoring.
As opposed to monitoring — with charts, schedules and parental controls — mentoring means understanding the media that kids use.

"Mentoring is knowing the difference between Minecraft and Fortnite. Mentoring is looking at the emotional effects of playing in a competitive mode versus a collaborative mode," Heitner says.
"It's understanding that ... what your kids are doing is part of their identity, whether it's through the kinds of people they follow on Tumblr or the kinds of things they share."
Abby, for example, follows YouTubers who talk about important issues — emotions, mental health, body image, self-esteem. It's important that her parents understand what she is looking at so they can talk to her about it, share their own values and offer support if needed.

This goes double if your kids encounter stuff that is more questionable — porn, video bloggers with hateful messages or bullying or drama with peers online. Parents can't step in and solve social problems, but they can be sounding boards for advice.

Look for the good in your kids' media interests

For Benji, Minecraft is a social space where he plays with other kids and pulls pranks. He says he wishes his parents understood more about his screen use — "why it's entertaining and why we want to do it. And also, for YouTube, why I watch other people playing games. When you watch sports, you're watching another person playing a game! Why is it so different when you're watching a person play a video game?"
Abby points out that as kids get older, having their own private worlds online is kind of the point. "There's a language that teenagers have formed though memes — it would be hard to explain" to adults, she says. But Geoff, her dad, jokes with her about it: "There are things that I understand, even though I'm super old."

Heitner reminds Geoff and Ellie that the distance they feel from their oldest is also a normal part of growing up. Ellie responds, "That's a really important fact. I didn't think of it that way. I just thought of it as it's the phone's fault."

Work together as a family to make changes.

A few days later, Heitner gets on the phone with Geoff and Ellie.
She tells them to get the devices out of sight and out of mind more often. This goes for mom and dad too, she says. Her advice:Ban devices at mealtime.Take Abby's phone away at night.
Impose more chores. Even the 5-year-old can put away his own toys, Heitner says. The older kids can do their own laundry and load and unload the dishwasher. Send the 14-year-old into the grocery store with a list. "It's a source of self-esteem to get things done for the family and to be valued in the family."

Introduce new interests. For Benji, Heitner says, set a goal this summer to try to reduce screen time and add something else in.

Try more screen-free whole-family activities like board games, a trip to the water park, or just a walk after dinner to get ice cream.

Ask Benji to monitor his own mood after he plays video games, say, on a color chart. Heitner says this can help him develop self-regulation skills. Instead of just fighting against the limits his parents set, "it would be good for him to start to see, OK, an hour is good, but two hours starts to make me a little crazy."

Little changes, big differences

Two weeks later, we checked back in with Geoff and Ellie to see how things were going.
They said that they sat down with all three kids with "a bribe" — their favorite Ben & Jerry's ice cream — to talk about making some changes to the screen-time rules.
Nathan, the little one, was pretty easy — he's playing more with his toys now and reading books during snack time.
Benji has made the most progress. He tells us he has been reading a lot more. He found a book series he loves, Wings of Fire, about dragons.

He has advice for parents who want to help their kids cut back on screen time. "If you have kids who are interested in fantasy games, maybe they'll like fantasy books, or if they're interested in sports games or animals, maybe they'll like realistic fiction."
His parents say his mood is much better. They're amazed.
Abby, the oldest, has been the toughest nut to crack. But she has been helping out more around the house and doing more projects like cooking.

She made edible cookie dough from a recipe she found online, and the whole family ate it together while watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off — a bit of sanctioned screen time, because it counts as a whole-family activity.
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